Parents Need Sex Too

I hear it all the time from parents and I am willing to bet that either you or one of your friends has said it.

“We don’t have time to have sex. We have small kids.”

Get the fuck out of here with that. That is a bullshit excuse.

Yeah, I hear you.  You are sooo busy.  Guess what?  Everyone is busy, but you make time for things that are important to you.  I’m too busy to feed my kids, but I know they need to eat, so I do it anyway.

Your kids don’t go to bed until 9, which is also about the time your husband falls asleep watching ESPN?  Cool.  It’s time to have a conversation with him.  Have you tried that yet?

Maybe it’s the one hour of the day that you’re going to see your husband, because your schedules just don’t align.  Girl, hand those kids some tablets and lock yourselves in the closet if you have to.  It probably won’t take long.

A friend of mine, at the ripe old age of 24 and parent of one child, told me, “My wife and I have sex about once a month.  There just isn’t time and we are tired.”  No, no, no.  Just no.

Sex is so damn important in a long-term relationship and I am here to tell you this – your marriage will not survive without some nurturing.  I am a firm believer that a marriage or partnership should be prioritized over what the children want.  Note that I said WANT.  I am not advocating starving your kids or skipping diaper changes so you can bang your spouse or cuddle in your bedroom.  What I am saying is you have to be honest with yourselves and realize you just aren’t making the time for one another….and when that happens, things go downhill.

Look, I homeschool 4 kids and work from home.  My fiance works 14-hour days.  Guess who is having sex a lot?  That would be us.

How?

  1. We lock the damn door.
  2. We put our phones away when we get in bed.
  3. We don’t limit ourselves to bedtime.  A Saturday afternoon during an obnoxious YouTube video works great, especially when you’ve had mimosas all morning.
  4. We just GO for it.  Sometimes one of us is super sleepy and clearly not in the mood, but we strip off our clothes and go for a good kiss.
  5. We stay intimate in every way.  Once that is lost, it’s hard to get back..not impossible, but hard. So we tell each other our dreams and secrets and we hug a lot and hold hands in the store.  We laugh a lot and goodness, we drink so well together.  Drinks never hurt.
  6. I take care of myself.  For some women, this isn’t as important.  For me, I feel so much sexier and in the mood when I have on a gorgeous red lip and a satin robe or a dress.  If I am constantly in leggings and a ponytail when he comes home from work, I will never feel hot.

Tonight, put on something pretty, lock the damn door and go for it.

Wedding Planning – Introduction

When Stuart and I got engaged this past December, I knew that I wanted to have the whole to-do.  Both of us had gotten married at the courthouse with our previous marriages and while that is lovely and gets the job done, I just wanted something different this time.  I wanted those who love us and support our relationship to be able to witness our union.  At the same time, I also knew that we wanted something personal and intimate that wouldn’t break the bank.

We set a date, then put off wedding planning until after my beach vacation.  I had too much else to focus on and pay for, so it just didn’t make sense to really get into it.  Now, here we are over a month after my vacation and I am just over 300 days away from my wedding date.  What have I planned?  Well, let’s see…

  • Date: CHECK!
  • Venue: Yeah, not so much.
  • Photographer: I have narrowed it down to a couple options.
  • Catering: I have some ideas…ish.
  • Wedding Party: Bride’s, yes.  Groom, uh…pretty sure we haven’t even talked about it.
  • Dress: Ha!
  • Aesthetic: Got that lined up!
  • Guest list: Sort of.  It has been discussed and it’s small enough that I could make the list in 5 minutes.

Safe to say we haven’t done shit.  I bought a planning binder, decided I didn’t like it…bought another.  I picked out my bridal party and they know who they are.  I know what the colors and feel of the wedding are.  I sort of know what I want in a dress and I have some ideas for catering.

We just really need this venue thing nailed down before we can do much else.  And here’s the thing – we have a venue in mind, but we also would prefer to do it in our own backyard….but we don’t have one.  We are trying to find a house and I hope it’s soon so that we CAN figure out if we want to get married there or elsewhere.

What I definitely know about our wedding is it will be intimate, personal, and very us.  In the same way I rage against the MOMachine, I will very much be raging against the wedding industry.  I have zero desire to just go along with and pay for everything I’m “supposed to.”  No thank you.  So you’ll see a lot of DIY and unusual ideas here.

Anyway, I will be posting an update to this series any time I feel like there is something to update on.  First installment will be about my bridal party and that is coming soon!

Anyone else really drag their feet in planning their wedding?

Bottle It Up

I have long been a music addict.  Putting on some music is absolutely the best therapy there is… and the cheapest.  Heartbreak?  Turn up the music.  Anxiety?  Press play.  Anger?  Turn it up louder.

Music is also a motivator and a way to celebrate.  I do my best cleaning and my best partying when there is nonstop loud music.  There is rarely silence in our home, because we never turn off the music unless we are watching TV.

Above all else, for me music is a memory keeper.  I tie so many of my memories to songs.  A person, a moment… I can feel the emotions just by listening to a certain song.

Sam Hunt’s “Bottle It Up” really embodies what it feels like for me to bottle all my memories into music, then let them out at any given moment.  In the song, he wishes he just bottle up the memories and take a sip wherever he goes.  I just want to yell at him, YOU CAN!  Just press play, dude.

So any time I hear that song, I daydream about all the memories that I have made over the years.  Thank you Sam for bottling it up for me.

 

Improving Intimacy With a Single Action

I am fortunate enough to have found the one whom my soul loves.  While I fully believe that you can live a happy and fulfilled life without finding “the one,” I feel like I actually have that now and it’s just a different kind of happiness.  To be with the person who understands you best and accepts all your flaws is a rare but beautiful thing.  I never want to lose this and so I have really been intentional in this relationship.  I am here to tell you, it has made all the difference.

Anyone can have a hot, passionate, and connected relationship when your time together is devoid of children and responsibility.  That is how it was in the early days of our relationship, when we lived in different states.  Then I moved here, with four kids in tow.  Kids, bills, work, and living with each other’s annoying habits daily started to take their natural toll.  Things were still amazing and we were getting stronger daily, but I started getting frustrated earlier this year.

I couldn’t understand how we were having less sex, something that was glaringly obvious to me because I have a period and sex tracker in my bullet journal.  I use a pink heart to indicate sex and the page was getting a lot less pink.  I knew it wasn’t a matter of physical attraction.  That has never been a problem here.  After thinking for a few days, I was lying in bed one night, texting my BFF Nicole.  As I laughed at our inside jokes, I realized Stuart was drifting off to sleep.  I suddenly realized – FUCK, it’s me.  It’s all me.

I had been obliviously texting and browsing Facebook every night while Stuart quickly fell asleep.  Damn.  What a slap in the face.  I have never been good at taking responsibility for relationship problems.  I knew I had to make a conscious decision to be present in my bedroom.  Every.  Night.

So I did.  I started plugging my phone into the charger (it’s short and I can’t reach it when it’s plugged) when we went to bed.  It worked.  We would watch TV together, with my head on his chest.  Our magic was back.  I won’t get into the extra spicy details, but it was a raving success.  Sometimes I would fall asleep before or with him.  On the nights he would fall asleep first, I would go ahead and check in on my phone.

It absolutely transformed everything and not only in the bedroom.  Everything got better.  We were both happier and more connected.  I speak in the past tense, because when I sat down to write this, I realized that I have been bringing my phone to bed again, mostly to keep up with Poshmark (<- links to my shop, cause I’m a hustla baby) notifications.  I had been doing it with the justification that it was work and I needed to be able to respond to my customers.  However, I have to prioritize and realize our relationship is far more important than immediately letting a customer know that a dress runs true to size.  It can wait.  And now, it will have to.  I will be “clocking out”….. I have a relationship to nourish.

 

5 Things I Want My Daughter to Know About Love

Growing up, I knew all sorts of things about love.  I knew that I was going to meet the perfect man for me, most likely while in college.  I knew that I would have a huge wedding, a perfect suburban house, and a hard-working husband.  That same husband would dote on me and buy me flowers for no reason.  We would immediately have a baby and would all snuggle on the couch every evening.  Then life happened… reality happened.  I’ve still never received flowers from a man.

I have had a lot of experience in love and heartbreak and I know what’s important.  Most of all, I know what I want my daughter to know.

  1. You don’t need a relationship to complete you. When I was young, I always thought it completely necessary to participate in a committed relationship.  That absolutely is not the case.  Having that kind of relationship may be something you want for any number of reasons, but it won’t make you a better person or fill some sort of perceived void.  YOU are the only one who can do that.  Start with yourself.  Be the kind of person you can love.
  2. Love should not hurt. Oh sure, there will be plenty of pangs in your heart and you will cry.  What I am talking about here is abuse or complete disregard for your feelings.  Abuse, by the way, is not always physical.  There is emotional, physical, verbal, and financial, all of which I have experienced firsthand.  This is never okay.  If someone makes you feel trapped, worthless, ashamed, or just down more than you feel up… it’s time to go.
  3. You get what you put in. If you think you’re going to sit upon your throne as a princess in your relationship, you will be disappointed.  Sure, a lot of us like to joke that we are the “queen” or the “princess.”  Some of these people are probably in shitty relationships because they do expect their partner to spoil them with no reciprocation.   I’ve learned that service and affection needs to be a two-way street for a relationship to be successful.  I am a queen, but you know what?  My partner is my king and I treat him as such.  He is never left wondering what he’s doing all this for.
  4. You may not have “the one.” There is always talk about soul mates and “the one.”  The truth is, you may have several relationships that are amazing and fulfilling and feel like THE ONE.  Different relationships, both platonic and romantic, serve their purposes.  I can’t imagine if I had not been deeply involved with some the people I loved.  I loved, I lost, and I am stronger for it.
  5. It will come. It is such a cliché, but it is the absolute truth – love will find you when you aren’t looking for it.  I’ve seen it happen, I’ve lived it myself.  When you quit worrying about meeting someone, you find an entire world of opportunity and adventure, and then love is suddenly in your face and you can’t avoid it and you don’t want to.  And no, you don’t need a relationship to complete you, but when you’re in the right place in your life and you are loving yourself, it will be there if you are ready to welcome it.

Week in Review: Rhonda

What a week!  I actually switched stuff up a little, which was nice.  I am a lover of routine, but it’s nice to have change sometimes too.

Unfortunately, I woke up Monday with an ear infection.  Claudia helped me ship some orders at the post office and I went on a laundry adventure in which I washed a Queen comforter in a tiny washer.  Other than that, all I did was some makeup stuff.  And of course, we sat on the patio to watch Stuart arrive to great fanfare.

I woke up on Tuesday still sick and Claudia passed out in my bed while I was still having coffee.  She woke up wanting me to put numerous ponytails in her hair.  I wanted to spend the day in bed, but needed to do some meal prep and film a makeup review.  When the kids laid down for their afternoon quiet time, I had a beer and filmed the review.

At 2:30 am Wednesday morning, I heard Claudia crying hysterically and went to see what the problem was.  The party chick was frantically trying to hold up a painting as tall as she is, because she was playing all over the living room and knocked it over.  I had a hard time sleeping after that, which was unfortunately since I had to get up and out the door early Wednesday so I could get some stuff done with the kids before their weekend trip to their dad’s house.  I ran errands and helped the kids make their Valentine bags for our homeschool party.  The boys enjoyed the announcement I made that we were taking the entire week off school and that the next week would only be Wednesday and Thursday.  They celebrated with XBox.

Thursday, we got up to head down to meet the kids’ dad.  It was an uneventful drive down and I was super excited to jam in the car solo on the way back.  I then took the coveted-by-all-moms solo Target trip.  I wandered down every aisle before going home to get ready for date night with my guy.  We finally cashed in the gift card we got for Christmas and had a lovely seafood dinner.

Stuart surprised me Friday morning by taking the day off work so we could spend more time together and so that he could go with me to get my license.  I’m so glad he did, because I ended up being there for several hours.  After some wine shopping, we came home to binge watch Sense8.  What a mind fuck that show is!

Childfree weekend continued Saturday morning with our usual breakfast and mimosa routine.  It was a lovely day out, so we decided to go for a bike ride.  After a ride through small-town Texas, we were starving and thought another dinner out would be a lovely idea.

Sunday morning, Stuart woke me all the way up by asking the ridiculous question, “Do you want to go to Bolsa?”  You’ll soon find out, dear readers, that Bolsa is our slice of heaven.  It’s OUR brunch place, where we fell in love, and where the staff became our family.  I ALWAYS want to go to Bolsa.  After a leisurely brunch, we came home and rearranged our bedroom and I love it so much now!

It was truly such a lovely weekend.  As much as I love my kids, I cherish the time I get to focus on my relationship and get things done without literally tripping over my little shadow.

I hope you also take time for yourself and your relationship if you’re in one.  It’s so important!