Three Years

My entire life, I dreamed of having a daughter.  I always assumed I would.  It never crossed my mind that it may not happen.  It’s funny how we take those things for granted.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was absolutely certain it was a girl.  So certain, in fact, that when the ultrasound revealed huge balls, I was in complete denial.  The ultrasound tech and doctor were 100% sure.  I was not.  I “accepted” it, but cried all the way home.  I didn’t even want to buy boy stuff.  I was that convinced it was wrong.  When he was born, I was delighted and decided it would be ok, because it would be good for my future daughter to have a big brother to watch out for her.

I didn’t have any strong feeling when pregnant with my second child.  I couldn’t decide if it would be a boy or a girl, but I certainly hoped for a girl.  One boy and one girl sounded perfect to me and would complete my family.  Ultrasound once again revealed a FOR SURE boy.  I burst into tears right there in the dark room.  Of course, I accepted it and got hyped up to bring a little brother into the world.

Third time’s the charm, right?  We had decided three was our limit for children and this was going to be the last time.  I hoped for a girl, but had to resign myself to the fact that it was unlikely.  Ultrasound showed a boy.  I accepted it quickly, didn’t cry, but was a little depressed until he was born.  I decided to fully embrace the Boy Mom title as part of my identity.

After Quentin was born, I was so happy for a little while.  I felt like our family was complete.  After some time, I started to get that ache again.  I didn’t necessarily want another child for the sake of having a fourth.  I just wanted a girl.  So desperately.  I felt like I was meant to have a daughter and I felt like my time had come.  I am not sure how, but I managed to talk my then-husband Dustin into JUST ONE MORE.  I had to promise him that it would be the last time and that we would get permanent birth control after.  I also had to convince him that I would be happy with a fourth boy, since there are no guarantees and odds weren’t in our favor.  I meant it.  I was happy to have a fourth boy if that’s what was meant for me.  Being loved on by a bunch of little boys is such an amazing experience.

From the moment I peed on a stick in my work bathroom and saw the positive, I JUST KNEW.  I had a gut instinct it was a girl.  I didn’t tell anybody.  I didn’t want to put it out there into the universe.  I wanted to hold that instinct close to my heart.  When we announced my pregnancy, everyone hoped for a girl.  I wanted to say, “it’s a girl! I just know it!”  Soon after announcing, I was on the phone with my mom.  I could feel it that we both thought it was a girl.  Neither of us said it, but would later admit we were both thinking it.  The days leading up to the big ultrasound, Dustin and I were discussing names.  We had long had our girl name picked out, waiting to be used.  We mulled over boy names and NOTHING worked.  Hell, we had used everything we loved already.  We decided on two “fine” names.  Inside, I knew we wouldn’t need them, so it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Nothing, no past experiences, no instincts, could have prepared me for how I would feel when the ultrasound tech very casually announced, “and it’s a girl.”

Heart. Stopped.  Shock.  I looked at Dustin and tears filled my eyes.

“Wait?  Are you sure?”  I asked.  She pointed out all the important markers of girl parts.  She was certain.

Even though I had felt it instinctually, I still was in shock that this was my reality.  I excitedly announced it on social media after telling my family and closest friends.  It felt like the entire world shared in our joy, and we were over the moon.  I didn’t fully believe it until the 32-week ultrasound, when I asked the tech, “is it still a girl?”  At that moment, my world truly started transforming into a pink paradise and I haven’t been the same since.

Since Claudia Love entered our world, everything is better.  I have a different and unique bond with each of my boys, but the relationship with Claudia is just special.  I see so much of myself in her.  She has changed the way I treat myself, the way I think of myself, the way I think of other women.  I avoid saying anything about skinny or fat.  I model behaviors I want her to learn.  She picks up on all my sass and repeats all my ugly words.  She wants to be just like her mommy, so I have to think about all my actions.

photo by Nicole Brack Photography

I can honestly say, we needed her.  We all did.  I am so thankful Dustin agreed to take this journey with me.  I know he can’t imagine life without her either.

photo by Nicole Brack Photography

I still sometimes can’t believe she’s here.  But she is – and she has been here for three years today.  It goes by so fast.  Cliche, but so damn true.

Tomorrow we will celebrate her with a small family party.  But for now, she wants to go to Target.  As you wish, Princess.

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